birth story – Page 2

Emmeline’s Birth Story, An Introduction

September 16, 2019 by Asharae Leave a Comment

Just a couple quick notes to start with – if pregnancy stories are tough for you to read, or triggering for any reason at all, please be kind to yourself. There is no reason at all for you to read this story if it isn’t helpful for you. Although it is a positive birth story in my eyes, it does include a very fast labor, a call to 911, and a birth at home.

I’ve also included affiliate links for The Birth Hour’s Know Your Options Childbirth Course. If you sign up via my link I’ll get a kickback at no additional cost to you. I so appreciate your support! Okay. Let’s dive in!

Before getting pregnant with Emmeline I began listening to The Birth Hour podcast. I purposely avoided listening to birth stories when I was pregnant with Beckett because most of the ones I’d heard were scary or difficult and didn’t turn out the way the mom “planned.” I had this idea in my head that all (or at least most) birth stories were like that. I simply hadn’t heard enough positive stories to change this preconceived notion I was carrying around with me.

The second time around I was much more willing to hear other women share their stories. I admittedly only listened to the stories whose titles and descriptions sounded positive. For my own sake I avoided listening to any that included infant loss or miscarriage – I know myself well enough to know that, especially while pregnant, those stories would only make my imagination go wild and make me feel fearful of all the things that could potentially go wrong with my baby. For my own mental health I knew it would be best for me to avoid stories of loss while pregnant.

Through listening to these stories I gained a much greater appreciation for the variety of experiences women have through pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum. I began to realize how little I really knew about it all (still know about it all), even having experienced it myself once before. I also learned so much through the podcast about choosing your care provider, the questions you can (and should) ask during pregnancy, the options when it comes to birthing locations, and even the variety of postpartum experiences women have.

I really think I internalized a lot of these women’s stories more than I can even verbalize. Listening to their stories gave me much more confidence going into my second pregnancy – confidence in what my body was capable of, confidence in asking questions during pregnancy, and confidence to ask for what I needed in labor, when the first time around I was more tempted to just keep quiet. With my pregnancy with Beckett I simply believed that my doctor, nurses, etc would either read my mind and know what I needed or that they would answer all the questions I didn’t know to ask.

If you’ve read the story of Beckett’s arrival into the world, you might remember the doctor (Dr Salvemini) who sat on the end of my bed and encouraged me through transition when I started asking for “something to take the edge off” the labor pain I was struggling through. She knew I wanted to go unmedicated if possible and her expertise and words of encouragement helped me to push through at just the right moment when I was feeling completely exhausted and worn out.

When we got pregnant this time around I knew I wanted to have her as our care provider if at all possible. It wasn’t that I didn’t like my other doctor or that practice, it was just that I had felt so at ease with Dr Sal when I saw her in the hospital. I knew I would be more comfortable being seen by her, and I really wanted to thank her in person for the way she empowered me during my labor with Beckett.

It turns out she practices at an office one floor above my old doctor, is still within our insurance network, and was accepting new patients, so it was a simple ask when I called in to establish care with her. From our first visit with Dr Salvemini I knew I’d made the right decision. She always came in with a smile, graciously welcomed Beckett being at nearly every appointment – even having him “help” her measure my belly, and she always took the time to answer every question without judgment and without making me feel dumb.

I’m such a proponent for women finding a doctor they feel totally comfortable with and one they’re not afraid to ask questions of. That’s what they’re there for! You should never feel afraid to ask a question and your doctor should never brush your question aside (which my previous one had, truthfully, done before). It’s one thing to reassure you and let you know the things you’re asking about are normal during pregnancy and something you need not worry about for that reason. It’s another thing entirely to brush your question aside and not answer it because “you don’t need to worry about that,” without giving you any reasons to back it up. Doctor Sal always took the time to answer my questions and truly make us (all!) feel cared for.

Before having Beckett, Tim and I took the three-part class our hospital offered. It was okay. Mostly they went over things we already knew. This time around I was hungry for more knowledge and I wanted something more in-depth. When Bryn, who hosts The Birth Hour opened the Know Your Options Childbirth Course for enrollment in the spring, I knew immediately I wanted to sign up. It was definitely an investment, but one I have zero regrets about. I could not be more grateful that we decided to sign up for this course. It was SO worth it.

To anyone considering taking a birth class, I highly recommend this one. You get to go at your own pace, watch and rewatch each video in the comfort of your own home, and you also have lifetime access to all the information for future pregnancies. Really I cannot cannot recommend the Know Your Options Course enough.

I love that it’s called “know your options” – while Stephanie the teacher is a doula, childbirth educator, lactation consultant, etc, she doesn’t push one particular “birth plan” or another. She presents all the options, sharing the benefits and risks of each one, equipping you to make the decision that is best for you and your baby. To me this was most obvious by their intentional decision to start the course with the module on cesarean births. Too often in “natural birth” circles, cesareans carry this stigma of being a second-rate birth experience, when in reality they are an equally valid and sometimes completely necessary way of bringing your baby safely into the world. I loved that Bryn and Stephanie started with this unit because it sort of made a statement – a reminder to anxious mamas that the end goal is a healthy baby and mama, even if the process to get there looks different from what you imagined.

Here’s that link again if you’re expecting and interested in knowing more about the course. I’m so happy to answer any questions as well if you’re curious about it and want to know more before committing! Send me a message over on my personal Instagram account if you have any questions at all!

Click through for the next part of Emmeline’s birth story!

The Story of a Name

May 16, 2017 by Asharae 6 Comments

If you’ve missed my previous posts, read Beckett’s birth story via these links: Introduction, part one, part two, part three, part four, and part five. Phew! You’ve made it to the end!

When I started having contractions on Friday afternoon and later when we were getting ready to leave our house for the hospital that night, I had let my best friend Paige know what was happening. Paige, her husband Khang, and their daughter Eliana traveled down from Raleigh that night and arrived at the hospital around 1am. I tried to convince them they should go spend the night at her parents house, but she assured me that she wouldn’t have been able to sleep anyway. I remember being so worried that they’d be waiting forever for us to have our babe, but I was so grateful they came anyway. The three of them came in to say hello when they arrived, give us hugs, see us through a few contractions, and then ducked out to wait in the waiting room.

Our parents managed to get a few hours of sleep before coming to the hospital in the middle of the night. Looking back now I would have just had everyone come to the hospital once our babe was born, but I know that it’s sort of a part of the package and part of the fun and anticipation to wait in the waiting room, knowing a baby is arriving soon on the other side of the doors.

We spent the first couple hours just us with our little guy as the doctor stitched me up, Mary went through all the new baby protocol, I nursed him (or tried to) and Mary washed his hair. At some point Tim went out to the waiting room to make the announcement, “It’s a…BOY!” along with sharing his name with everyone. Once we had some time with Beckett and once Mary completed all the necessary tasks, our parents, my brother, and Paige, Khang, and Eliana all got to come in and meet him.

I remember telling my parents the story of driving to the hospital that night, being surrounded by lightning in the distance, experiencing the power of that storm and being struck by the thought of God being the creative force behind this immense storm, and also the one growing the tiny baby in my womb. My dad had tears in his eyes as he reflected on that and he said “and this” pointing at Beckett, “this is His crowning glory.”

It makes me tear up every time I think of that moment. It was so immensely special.

The next day we had friends come visit us and I was so glad we did! One of my favorite memories from that time in the hospital is having our room filled to the brim with people laughing and chatting. My family, Tim’s family, our friends from Charlotte and Raleigh and Columbia. It was so special and we felt extraordinarily loved.

Choosing Beckett’s name was one of the hardest things for us. Since we didn’t know if we were having a boy or girl, we wanted to have at least one name chosen for each. It wasn’t until a couple weeks before he was born that we landed on Beckett, and I think it was even the week he was born that we decided on Elijah as his middle name.

Since my name is so unique, people were constantly asking my parents what it meant as I was growing up. It was so special to have the meaning of my name spoken over me again and again. “It means Blessed. It’s the first word of the first Psalm and the word Jesus spoke in the Beatitudes.” Those were the words my dad always used. Because of that, it’s ingrained into who I am. I believe so much in the power of a name, and I wanted to give our child a name with meaning.

It was tricky! Finding a name that has a great meaning, one that Tim and I both like, and one that sounds good with our last name – man oh man. So difficult. I love where we landed though. I can’t imagine him having a different name!

Beckett means stream or brook. We love the symbol of water as it gives life, sustains it, refreshes it. Two passages in particular stood out to us as we were choosing his name.

John 7:37-38 On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’”

Proverbs 18:4 The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.

His middle name Elijah means my God is Yahweh.

We hope and pray that Beckett Elijah becomes a man of God who is wise and gives life to others, someone whose heart overflows with the love of the Lord.

And with that, I’ll leave you with these which include a few of my all-time favorite photos. These are from the day we left the hospital. All the emotions hit me at once as I realized Beckett was ours for keeps. So grateful to have these images.

Thanks for reading along!

It’s A…

May 15, 2017 by Asharae 2 Comments

If you’ve missed my previous posts, read those first! Here are the links: introduction, part one, part two, part three, and part four.

As the contractions pushed our baby closer and closer to the other side, Mary announced – your baby has a FULL head of hair!

What?? Whose baby? What color hair? Tim and I were both blondies when we were kids and neither of us had a ton of hair when we were born. We fully expected a baby with wispy blonde hair. That’s not at all what we got!

When it was finally go-time, Mary called in what felt like the SWAT team. All of a sudden our room was full of hustle and bustle. I had my eyes closed throughout most of my labor as that helped me focus, but I could hear all the movement and caught glimpses of my doctor and the nurses moving things around and getting all set up to bring our baby into the world.

Once they were all set up, everyone got quiet again and then we waited. And waited. And waited. Our baby seemed to have decided he or she was more comfortable on the inside. My contractions stopped. Or so it seemed. I joked with the doctor that the baby had decided to stay put. And then another wave came. And another. Pretty soon the nurses were encouraging me – that was a great push, do another just like that! And again – your baby has a FULL head of hair! Each word of encouragement, the excitement in their voices, it was all so helpful in getting me through those final steps.

When one nurse placed a towel on my chest, that’s when I knew we were really close. I remember feeling hot and sticky under the warmth of that fuzzy towel, but stealing a glimpse at it and thinking – I’m going to have a baby soon! I’m going to have a baby, laying on my chest, wrapped up in that towel in just moments. A few more contractions, one big exhale, so much relief, and the doctor lifted our baby – our BOY – onto my chest. Until then we didn’t know. We had suspected, but we didn’t know for sure that we were having a boy. At 8:51am on Saturday morning I was handed a beautiful, squirming, screaming baby boy.

The doctor asked, and Tim made the game-day decision to cut the cord. And I even surprised myself and asked if I could see my placenta – I grew it myself after all! Instead of being grossed out – which is what I expected – I was amazed. It was much bigger than what I had imagined in my head. I still have no idea how the baby and that placenta fit inside my belly. No clue.

It was extraordinary having made it to the other side. Having a baby in my arms. I couldn’t believe that we made this, I grew this baby, I had just birthed a tiny human being, and we would get to keep him too! What a miracle.

I confess though that it wasn’t pure overwhelming bliss once they placed Beckett on my chest. The total joy would come later. I mostly felt relief at the beginning. Pain, yes. But mostly relief and gratitude. I was so grateful to have made it to the other side. So grateful to have done so without an epidural. And so grateful for both Tim, my nurse Mary, and the doctor who each encouraged and instructed and challenged me in their own way.

Beckett Elijah Kroll was born on July 9th, 2016, at 8:51am, weighing 8lb 3oz, and reaching 20.5 in. He was chubby and round when he first came out. And he had so much hair. He screamed and screamed as he laid on my chest, and it was the absolute best noise I’d ever heard.

Read the final part of Beckett’s birth story and the story of his name here.

“I see strength in you.” A Birth Day Gift.

May 11, 2017 by Asharae 1 Comment

If you’ve missed my previous posts, here are links for the introduction, part one, part two, and part three.

After hesitating when the doctor asked if I was ready for her to break my water, and then feeling like it actually did break before she even left the room, she checked and decided that it did indeed look like my water had broken. (We’d find out later that I had what she called a “high break.”)

As the night wore on, I found myself feeling rather overwhelmed with it all and I remember telling the doctor I might need something to “take the edge off.” She knew that I had wanted to have our baby as naturally as possible, so she sat on the end of my bed and laid out the facts. She told me I was “close enough to having this baby” that taking any sort of analgesic (the alternative to getting an epidural) at this point would make the baby sleepy when he or she was born. I knew that would make it more difficult to breastfeed and assumed that it could also make the APGAR score a bit lower, perhaps resulting in the baby needing to have more time away from me to be monitored when he was born. Because of those things I hesitated, but was also feeling so overwhelmed at how uncomfortable I was during each contraction that I wasn’t sure what to do next.

From the end of my bed, the doctor looked me straight in the face and she said, “I believe you can do this. I’ve never believed anything more strongly in my life. Not a lot of people can do what you have done already. I see strength in you.”

Oh, what a gift.

At that point I didn’t even care if those words were completely true or not, they were exactly what I needed to hear from someone I knew had attended a lot more births than I ever will. Her words gave me the extra boost that I needed when I was feeling completely exhausted.

At some point in the early morning there was a shift change and a new nurse named Mary was assigned to me. She was extraordinary and exactly who I needed at that point when things were getting really difficult. She immediately came in with an encouraging energy and helped me figure out what my next steps should be. I’d been in bed for quite a while at that point and was feeling pretty uncomfortable. Mary immediately helped me out of bed and back onto the birthing ball, showed me how to raise the bed up, and helped get me in a position leaning over the bed that was much more comfortable and productive.

When it was time for the doctors to switch over, the overnight doctor who had been so encouraging to me came back in with the doctor who would be delivering our baby – he also happened to be my OBGYN so it was great that we already knew him. While she was checking on me one more time before turning me over to the new shift, she realized that my water actually hadn’t completely broken.

Between all the contractions, and even the pushing stage later on, this was the most urgency I heard in anyone’s voice throughout my entire labor. “There’s a bag of waters here. Her water hasn’t broken yet!” And she quickly and firmly told me, “Sweetheart, I’m going to go ahead and break your water.” She didn’t give me any more explanation and I didn’t ask for one. She went ahead and broke my water which was definitely uncomfortable, but not as bad as I had imagined it would be.

As my contractions continued, the nurses kept telling me, “You’ll know when it’s time to push.” I remember thinking – what the heck is that supposed to feel like? I feel like I want to push right now! During contractions I kept saying between breaths, “I’m feeling a lot of pressure! I feel like I’m supposed to push soon!” And mostly I felt like they ignored me for a while. They knew better than I did that it wasn’t time for me to push yet. I imagine I must not have been dilated quite enough. (As Tim read through this story, he told me I was apparently very eager to start pushing! Haha.)

I don’t even remember the transition when it actually came time for me to push, but I do remember Mary teaching me how. “Do you remember the instructions from your birthing class?” I hesitated. “Not at all. You can teach me all over again!” Honestly, I don’t remember learning how to push in our class. I remember a lot of talk about breathing, and that’s what had helped me up till this point. Now I needed a whole new set of instructions. Hold your legs this way, curl your body like this, breathe in, hold it, push, count to ten, don’t forget to keep your face relaxed, do it again.

Tim tells me I pushed for about an hour, but if I had to guess I would have said it was more like 20 minutes. At that point I was tired enough that I kept falling asleep between contractions – something I truly didn’t understand before when people would say that’s what happened to them. I figured you would be alert and attentive till the end. But somehow your body knows you need rest and allows you to get it in tiny increments here and there.

Our room was pretty calm and quiet in between contractions. When I felt one coming on, Tim would grab one foot, Mary would grab the other, and they would push my knees to my chest and help me count down through each push – Tim counting and Mary reminding me to hold my breath and relax my face. We’d do that three times over and then I would rest again. As the contractions pushed our baby closer and closer to the other side, Mary announced – your baby has a FULL head of hair!

Read the next part of the story here.