fears

Rejecting Fear in Favor of Trust

March 2, 2016 by Asharae 4 Comments

Since becoming pregnant, I’ve found that most mommy forums and blogs, pregnancy books, and even advice and stories from well-meaning friends all tend toward fear mongering. Every informational source seems determined to enlighten you on all the things that could possibly go wrong for you and your baby.

Forums tend to be full of strong opinions and terrible advice (if you know of any good pregnancy forums, send them my way!) Books like What to Expect contain every possible scenario of what could go wrong (I’ve only been reading the month-by-month updates while skipping over any headlines that sound like a scary diagnosis.) And well-meaning (usually kid-free) friends are quick to share their anecdotes, “Oh I know this girl who was in labor for 36 HOURS! Can you imagine??”

While most of this advice and storytelling truly doesn’t bother me personally, it just illustrates how much fear and worry surrounds pregnancy. There are so many things that can and maybe will go wrong. So much to worry about and stress over. Any twinge or tweak you feel could be your body growing as it should OR it could be something disastrous! I can’t imagine how much more stressful hearing these stories could be for women who are more prone to anxiety and worry than I am.

(Don’t get me wrong, I’m not discounting those stories where something truly does go wrong. Or even the pregnancies that do require close monitoring for various reasons. Those stories deserve their own conversation entirely. Here I’m talking about unfounded pregnancy fears – the ones that simply exist because we feel anxious or in need of more control over our own situation.)

I don’t think of myself as someone who worries a lot, but being pregnant definitely makes me feel like I should be worrying more. Maybe I don’t care enough if I’m not strictly avoiding all deli meats, soft cheeses, and caffeine. Am I hurting my baby by exercising? Or is it worse to sit on the couch all day? What medicine am I allowed to take for this headache or that queasy stomach? Should I call the doctor for that twinge? And heaven forbid I start Googling any of my pregnancy symptoms to make sure they’re normal.

I can’t even begin to express how much I want to reject the fear. Women have been having babies for thousands and thousands of years. Somehow it seems that maybe, just maybe, our bodies were meant to do this.

It’s incredible really.

And I have to choose to trust that my body knows what it’s doing, rather than fear that it doesn’t. It’s been an extraordinary experience to notice the changes in my body from the beginning. The soreness, the complete exhaustion, the tightness across my belly and the stretching sensations that indicate that my body is making space to grow a human being. All these little signals show that my body is doing something wild and beautiful that I have absolutely no control over. And I kind of love that. There’s something extraordinary to be learned in the letting go process of knowing I can’t control what my body is doing and rejoicing in that rather than fearing it.

Even now I’m imagining how much this thought process could bleed out into other areas of my life. What other things am I choosing to hold with fear rather than release with trust? What needs open hands rather than tight fists, grasping for some measure of control and understanding? What needs letting go?

If you’re pregnant or have children, I would love to hear your thoughts and experience with this. And even if you don’t, you’re welcome to the table! Are there things in your own life that need a similar measure of trust instead of fear?

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Pregnancy, a blogging hiatus, and learning to rest

January 26, 2016 by Asharae 4 Comments

As I sit down to share my thoughts on the last couple months, I can tell that my writing muscle is feeling a little rusty. I feel sort of like I’m getting back to doing yoga after taking weeks away from my mat. Everything feels a little sore and in need of some good stretching.

In the fall I had all good intentions of sharing delicious recipes as well as a few fun DIY handlettering projects in anticipation of my book release – but I somehow forgot that fall is to wedding photographers what tax season is for accountants. And this fall was our busiest yet. I think at one point I was buried beneath 9 weddings to edit – yikes. All our days pre-Christmas turned into seemingly never-ending hours with a how-much-can-we-get-done-before-we-sleep-tonight mindset. Luckily we have amazing couples who are sweet and understanding and (mostly) patient, but we knew some things had to be put on the back burner for the time being so we could focus more on each of the couples we serve. So. I reluctantly decided to step away from this little online space for a bit.

In stepping away I found some freedom to rest – freedom to not spend every waking hour working on either Grain & Compass or This Wild Season. It was refreshing and necessary I think, particularly in a season where so much actually did need to get done each day. Being able to work hard when I needed to allowed me the freedom to relax each evening before bed, stay away from my inbox on the weekends, and simply say no to some things. That freedom to rest has been a life saver in a season that otherwise has felt hectic and unsettled.

In the midst of learning how to step back, make time to rest, and also buckle down and get work done when necessary, we found out that we’re expecting a baby this summer! (Yes it was on purpose, we’re due July 11th, no we’re not finding out the gender ahead of time, and yes you actually can touch my belly – I’m very proud of it. Any other questions?)

Beyond anything Tim and I have done together, this feels like our wildest and most exciting adventure. I’d been so terrified, honestly, of getting pregnant for so long that I just kept putting off the conversation for later. When Tim and I finally confronted what it was we were avoiding, and really started to get to the bottom of it, we realized we weren’t trusting that the Lord was going to provide for us if we added a baby to the mix. We were afraid he wouldn’t provide the money to support a baby, enough work to allow us to continue doing what we love, or the time for us to follow the various things we’re passionate about. Realizing this and naming our fear was huge for us.

We had always wanted to “get to the next step” before we even began to think about kids. We realized though that if we kept doing that – if we kept waiting for the next best thing – we would never ever arrive, and we would never have kids. So, over the course of a few months our hearts slowly changed and softened toward the idea of having a baby sooner rather than later. That terrified feeling isn’t completely gone, but we are so grateful and excited to be on this adventure together.

Banana Chocolate Chip Bread

May 28, 2015 by Asharae Leave a Comment

We have these friends, Brandon and Christy, who are extraordinary question-askers. They are the kind of people who ask questions that make those around them feel known. It’s such a gift. I’m not even sure they’re aware that they’re doing anything different – they’re genuinely curious and they truly care about their friends and family – but it really shows through the questions they choose to ask. Again and again we have felt so cared for by them because they ask good questions and they listen well.

I aspire to ask questions like these friends of ours. I want to learn how to ask the questions that dig a little deeper, rather than taking the easy way out and simply asking “how’s it going?” I always hesitate when asked that question – how much do you really want to know? What sort of answer are you looking for? Do I spill my guts and tell you how utterly overwhelmed I am? You probably weren’t looking for that, so do I just say that I’m fine? Is there some better way to answer that question?

I’ve been having all these thoughts rolling around my head lately and I happened upon this article over on Donald Miller’s Storyline blog. I love this quote from Melton’s article:

We learned that if we really want to know our people, if we really care to know them – we need to ask them better questions and then really listen to their answers.

We need to ask questions that carry along with them this message: “I’m not just checking the box here. I really care what you have to say and how you feel. I really want to know you.”

Isn’t that what we all crave? To be known? Not just to have people that know our favorite foods and our birthday, but to have people that know our dreams and our fears. It’s such a treasure if you have people that ask you those questions. But why not also be the person that asks those questions?

Instead of simply waiting for someone to enter into our world and ask us those questions – why don’t we put ourselves out there and ask someone else the difficult, potentially awkward questions. It’s in that space that growth happens. The process of knowing one another and truly being known can feel so extraordinarily uncomfortable. But the reward of deeper relationships far outweighs any potential awkwardness along the way.

Confession time – I’ve been holding out on you guys. This is one of my absolute favorite recipes. One fateful day in college my roommate Anna returned from a quick trip home and brought with her the most incredible loaf of chocolate chip banana bread. We sat on our little futon in our room, hunched over the foil wrapper of heavenly crumbs. I’d never had banana bread with chocolate chips in it before and I’m pretty sure I ate half the loaf with no shame at all. I vowed then to learn how to make banana bread that was at least half as delicious – I like to think this one has turned out pretty great.

This banana bread doesn’t look like much, but don’t let that fool you. It’s so so good. I’ve been making it since college and it always gets good reviews. You can always add walnuts or pecans as well – I recommend 1/2 c nuts and reducing your chocolate chips to 1/2 c as well if you go that route! And if you find you’ve always got bananas on-hand, you can put the extra brown ones in the freezer to use in this recipe later. Peel the bananas and place them in a freezer-safe bag before putting them in the freezer. Thaw them before using and then use the same way you would use fresh bananas. Fair warning – they’ll look totally gross once thawed, but they’ll taste just as good once you bake them into the bread!

This bread is best eaten while it’s still warm from the oven or the next day. Be sure to wrap the loaf of banana bread tightly with plastic wrap – this keeps the bread moist and delicious. I like to think it also locks the flavor in as it gets better a day or two after you bake it. This is a great breakfast treat, dessert, or any-time kind of snack. It’s especially good for those late-night-I’m-avoiding-studying-baking-sessions in college. I speak from experience. Enjoy.

Banana Chocolate Chip Bread

Adapted from Food Network

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Prep Time 15 mins

Cook Time 50 mins

Total Time 1 hr 5 mins

Ingredients

1 1/4 c all purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp fine salt
2 large eggs
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 c unsalted butter at room temperature
1 c sugar
2 very ripe bananas peeled and mashed
1 c chocolate chips

Instructions

Mix flour, baking soda, and salt in a medium bowl and set aside.
In a small measuring cup with a spout, whisk eggs and vanilla together.
Grease and flour a 9x5x3 inch bread loaf pan and preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
Using an electric hand mixer (or a stand mixer with a paddle attachment) cream butter and sugar together till light and fluffy. Slowly add the egg and vanilla mixture, mixing till combined. To save on dishes, use the same measuring cup to mash the two bananas with a fork. Add the bananas to your mixture, combine well. At this point the mixture will look a bit lumpy and curdled - that's okay!
Remove the bowl from the mixer and use a rubber spatula to add the flour mixture and stir until just combined. Fold in the chocolate chips and pour batter into floured pan.
Bake for 50-55 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean. Cool the bread for 5-10 minutes before removing it from the pan. Let cool completely (if you can resist) and then wrap bread tightly in plastic wrap to store (this is VERY important to keep the banana bread moist and delicious.)

Faithfulness of our Labor

October 9, 2014 by Asharae 4 Comments

A friend of mine shared this article by John Piper a few weeks ago and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Throughout the past several weeks I’ve felt the pendulum swing back and forth – from feeling like I’m exactly where I should be, doing exactly what I should be doing to then feeling discouraged, as if all the hard work we do each day is for nothing.

It’s easy to get so bogged down by other people’s opinions and the things we feel like we’re supposed to be doing to fit in or be successful.

After a particularly frustrating bout of discouragement the other week, I grabbed a sheet of paper and wrote a quote from Piper’s article to post over my computer – “The Lord measures the faithfulness of our labor, not our success.” (Go read Piper’s article, especially if that quote doesn’t make much sense to you.)

It doesn’t matter to God how many clients we have lined up for next year. It doesn’t matter how many Instagram or Pinterest followers we have. It doesn’t matter if we respond to emails in two minutes or two hours or two days if we must. God’s not keeping tabs on these things and labeling us as “successful” human beings if we meet a certain standard.

Instead, he “measures the faithfulness of our labor.” Are you doing what you do with care and creativity and a willing heart, whether you receive recognition or not? Or are you begrudgingly taking the next step, wishing you could just “be there already” – wishing “success” would just be handed to you? More often than not, I find myself in the latter category. I start complaining and whining that nobody else “gets it” – that they don’t see the hours of work we pour into the things we love (I’m writing this post at 1 in the morning, if you’d really like to know.) But when I get anxious and concerned about what people think, I lose sight of the goal. I lose sight of the Lord.

What if each day, instead of immediately opening my inbox to see what clients I need to answer to, I instead take a deep breath and say – Lord, what would you have me do today? How can these seemingly meaningless, mindless tasks of editing photos, answering emails, sorting receipts, and uploading files bring you glory? How can these things change from meaningless and mindless to meaningful and life-giving, both to me and to the clients we serve?

I ask this question over and over. I’m one of those people who believes at the depth of my soul that the lives we live should be meaningful. We shouldn’t while away our days wishing for something better. It’s hard. And most days I do it very poorly. But one day, one hour, one minute at a time I want to aim to be more mindful. I want to consider not “how can I be more successful?” but “how can I be more faithful in my labor?” How can I be more present with my friends, my family, our clients, with Tim? How can I use this place, this time, and the gifts that I have to honor and glorify and point back to the Lord, through each of my hesitant, faltering steps.

Photos are from our trip to visit friends in Arizona this summer – I’ll be blogging more of those here soon. That is, once I surface from the piles and piles of editing currently on my plate 😉